Posted by: Bonnie Anderson | June 7, 2011

Wipe Out

Before reading this post, please read the following disclaimer – I am crazy about my grandchildren.  They are pure joy to have in my home and I want them to be here as often as possible.  But, that being said, I’m going to have to ask Bob for a raise.  It’s not the rising prices of yogurt, cheese and apple juice that’s killing my grocery budget – it’s toilet paper.  We now have 3.5 grandchildren who use it and my observation is that for them it’s all or nothing.  What I mean by that is that they either forget to wipe all together, or use a minimum of half a roll per seating.  The fascination of watching the paper glide off the roll is quite a draw, I know.  It’s right up there with seeing how much soap they can pump out of the dispenser (when they do, in fact, remember to wash their hands – though I shouldn’t complain if they don’t – obviously there was no possibility of their hands being soiled when they were completely covered by toilet paper).

The problem escalates into an even greater expense – we have a septic tank.  We are on our third drain field.  I think there is some warped metaphor of our life in that fact.

So now I purchase two different kinds of TP – one for us and one for them.  Two-ply is an invitation to the plunger to be on alert, so I buy the cheaper, one-ply version for them (please don’t tell).  I am also using this as an educational moment.  “See, there are perforations along the roll (vocabulary).  Can you count to four (arithmetic)?  Count to four and then tear along the dotted line (P.E.).”

I am on the look-out for one of those dispensers that were used when I was in elementary school.  You may have seen them – they dispense individual folded sheets, just like a paper towel dispenser.  Then maybe the kids will tire of pulling out the sheets one by one and just go in there and (pardon the expression) get the job done.



  1. Bonnie, this is priceless!!! A laugh a minute.
    Love you, Mom

  2. I don’t feel so bad about needing to replace the drain field if you’ve gone through three. Oh wait, yes I do. That doesn’t change the expense.

    My parents lived in the house I grew up in for 30 years and never had to replace the drain field. I thought we were doing something wrong.

    2-Ply is an expression of love, but 1-Ply is a wonderful solution. There is something hypnotic about the paper gliding off the roll, though. Another solution is to take the roll off the spool and put the roll on the tank.


    • Thanks for the suggestion! Though I can picture them knocking the entire roll into the bowl and trying to flush it anyway (if they remember to flush).

  3. Mom, you crack me up! We switched to the “Scott” brand when we trained our wipers cause they so use so much! Of course, thinking of Uncle Scott while they wipe their hineys is appropriate too!

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